so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
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You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
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I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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