Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
