Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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