we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
