Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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