Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
