I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
