Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My breasts were aching with rage.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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