found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
