i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
