I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
