Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do