matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
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i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
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I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."