You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
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Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I have aggressive nipples.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.