Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
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thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
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She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.