I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
