Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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