rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
