Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
