it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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