dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
