The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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