Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
