That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
