I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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