So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
