I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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