your room smells of hookers.
And success
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
