How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
