atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
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You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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