Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
