Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am midnight drunk by noon
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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