I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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