I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
