I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
