if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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