he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
