Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
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I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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