I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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