Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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