My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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