when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
