i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize