Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
