Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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