I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
