got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
