I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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