do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
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