he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
