bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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