so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
