i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
