let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
