i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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