So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize