i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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