I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
