Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
